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Stories for developers and others from my long life in and out of video games. I wrote Code is Just, but also Chimera, sometimes to remember, sometimes to forget.

To Hell With Rules!

Shahid Kamal Ahmad

Jul 26, 2022

This morning I noticed my eldest's trainers by the front door. They're often there. I feel a little itch in my brain on seeing something out of place. It's not a big deal, but my brain wants to make it a big deal. How do I raise this with my daughter without upsetting her?

I remembered one of the first things I learned about reducing friction with those close to you and suddenly it all fell into place. Don't have too many rules. I realised that having a front door clear of shoes has never been a rule, but my mind, seeking order, was trying to make me feel like it was.

Many miles away

There's a shadow on the door

Of a cottage on the shore

Of a dark Scottish lake

Shut up amygdala! No rules have been broken. No boundaries have been set. This was never a rule, so stop thinking of it like one!

I have a tidiness value.

Everything

In its right place

We often take our values and turn them into implicit rules, and we never communicate our rules to others. We expect them to just bloody well know!

This is a recipe for communication breakdowns.

To make our lives easier, loads easier, take your values, one by one, and express them calmly as preferences.

That's it. Preferences. Not rules.

This is how I try to think...

I'd prefer it if the shoes weren't there, because I like things tidy.

No rules have been broken.

No boundaries have been crossed.

I'm not upset.

If you continue to do this, it will not damage our relationship. At all.

I will not think less of you.

I can't guarantee that I won't be temporarily upset, but that's OK. I'll recover my equilibrium soon enough.

Clearly you are driven by different values, and while I don't share those values, I love you too much to let our differing values be what defines our relationship.

And that's how the conversation panned out. All ended well.

For healthier relationships, go from values to preferences, not values to implicit rules.

Have few rules.

The fewer the better.